silence

Silence

When all that’s left is silence,
there is nothing you can do
but to endure the cacophony of voices in your head
at two in the morning
in the middle of that cold dark room.
One tiny voice tries to scream
to keep the sanity inside that head
but the million other voices
seem to think otherwise.

When all that’s left is silence,
your senses seem more alive.
You can feel the darkness creeping in to your soul
freezing everything inside of you
as its claws touch your heart.
And even though the heart pumps more blood
to keep you warm as a sign of protest,
the darkness wins and you fall in to the cold pit
especially made for you.

When all that’s left is silence,
you begin to lose sight of the light.
You become trapped in an abyss
where not a single sign of hope is visible.
And no matter how you cry,
how you howl or scream or shout,
nothing will answer you back from all your whining.
Nothing at all, even your echo will be afraid
to reverberate within the emptiness.

When all that’s left is silence,
the past slowly walks in and fills the emptiness
with all of those moments, those memories
that you have been trying to erase with utmost effort.
Yet here they are, endlessly haunting you
and trying to bring back the excruciating pain
from the wounds you thought already healed.
Tears roll down your cheeks quietly because you already know
that crying out loud makes no difference.

When all that’s left is silence,
you suddenly find yourself bare and unarmed
in a duel against the scariest of foes.
It is ‘You of the Now’ against ‘You of the Then’
fighting for the right to be the ‘You of Tomorrow’.
Opening old wounds, creating new ones,
not realizing that neither one comes out unscathed.
In the end, the ‘You of Tomorrow’ will similarly be
scarred and scared of living.

When all that’s left is silence,
there’s nothing left to hold on to
as if every one you love has left you behind
empty, frozen, and unimaginably broken.
You hear voices screaming your name along with words
that make you doubt yourself even more.
All you are left with is a small piece of self-worth
that you keep in your pocket to push you forward
yet swiftly vanishes on the palm of your hands.

When all that’s left is silence,
you’d feel numb and beat and sore
from fighting your inner demons within the edges of your mind
as they burn your soul until it leaves you behind.
As always you find yourself alone and cold,
up against the things that scare you the most.
You even wonder what keeps you fighting,
you question yourself how you win each match
and end up facing a new day to live.

When all that’s left is silence,
you try your hardest to calm yourself down
so that sleep can finally embrace you
and tuck you under your warm blanket.
Only to be interrupted a few deep breaths later
as the sunlight creeps through the window sill
shedding light once again to your once cold dark room.
You open your tired eyes and reach out for your mask
trying to hide yesternight’s battle scars.

When all that’s left is silence,
you ask yourself, ‘What else can I do?’,
thinking that there’s no purpose to be in this world.
At the end of each day you find yourself
in the same state, so detached from reality.
Routinely putting your mask on and off
and continually fighting your inner foes,
you ultimately conclude that maybe it’s time
to finally succumb to the quiet.

fickle-rain-drought

As Fickle as Rain in a Drought

Sometimes, all it takes is one touch.

From the moment their hands merge with yours, it is not just your skins that meet each other. There are times this kind of touch reaches your heart, touches your soul. They undress you and leave you so exposed that you show them the magnificent view of the universe inside you. It transcends the physical and reaches the depths of the spiritual. You bare all of yourselves to each other without a care in the world, confident that you have found a better and far more wonderful world in each other. How amazing to imagine that with just one touch it brings two souls to a state of euphoria so intense that it transcends boundaries of the self. It can keep you in a high so immense that a once broken self feels so whole again as two souls merge into one.

Yet all it takes is a word, or a lack thereof, to bring you back to the reality that there are things that just do not last. With one word, a world crumbles or a universe explodes. Add a few more and they are like a rain of arrows bringing down a liberated soul from achieving full freedom. But sometimes silence brings a far worse devastation to the heart. It is like a thief in the night, patiently waiting for you to fall asleep before taking away those which you hold dear. It draws you close and embraces you while stabbing you slowly, gracefully, then you realize it is all too late; that as you shed a few tears, you have shed more blood feeling almost no pain.

You suddenly endure the pain induced by something that once gave you happiness; just as Icarus’ wings were burnt by the heat of the sun to push him away from that wonderful feeling of reaching something magnificent yet incredibly fatal. As you fall back to the ground broken into a million pieces, you ask your innocent self how this could happen when all you wanted was just to grab that one thing that you thought could bring you bliss.

But just like the sun, not everything bright and warm is wonderful. Not everything wonderful could provide the happiness we deserve. The things we desire, those we constantly ask for, come as often as the rain during a long and seemingly endless drought. In the end all we have to do is accept that some things are not meant to stay.

Sometimes, all it takes is one touch; one touch to force the universe inside of you to explode and show its grandeur to someone else who becomes your world until eventually it starts to lose its glow; your soul gently dying as they shut their eyes, turn their backs and slowly walk further away.

taking-flight

Taking Flight

In the middle of that seemingly endless road — his jeans tattered, shoes worn out and shirt drenched in sweat — Hope stopped and let out a heavy sigh. His knees have given up on him as they fell to the ground. All energy seemed to have left him as he let his back uncomfortably touch the ground. He raised his right hand to reach for the red sky as the sun started to set. He turned his head sideways and gazed at his flat tire, and then chuckled. Surprisingly, he found himself smiling despite the dawning of weariness and nightfall. Hope found it funny that he can manage a smile and a chuckle in the midst of this sticky situation. He simply didn’t care.

As the sky turned into a deep blue, Hope stood up and sat on the trunk of his car. He stared upon the vastness of the heavens, then a chuckle broke the silence of the night. Funny how the stars suddenly become abundant when he already stopped trying to hunt for them. Life really has a funny way of playing tricks on you. Minutes passed, and as if Life hasn’t played enough tricks on him, clouds hugged each other and cried over the wide empty highway where Hope sat still. As the drops of rain trickled down his face, he felt relieved that he need not hide his own tears which started welling up in his eyes. The rain, he thought, was a blessing in disguise.

By the sound of an approaching car, Hope opened his eyes and greeted the morning sun with a yawn. He woke up feeling new and fresh. It was unusual for this to happen. Maybe he needs to cry himself to sleep more often, he thought to himself jokingly. As Hope unmounted his car, he felt a little spark of excitement as the once empty highway was now bustling with cars. A few stopped to check on him and offer him help. This time, however, he did not refuse. Amity pulled Hope’s car along as they travelled to the next city so that he can have it fixed — while also trying to replenish all the energy he exhausted.

It was amazing, Hope thought, to have another person help him. During his ride with Amity he felt differently — something vastly distinct compared to what he felt during his joyride with Bliss — but a wonderful feeling nonetheless. While in the city, he began his plans for recovery starting from his body all drained of energy until his clothes all worn out and battered. After his moment of relaxation he found a place to get his car fixed. As he waited, he stayed a few more days to explore the city.

Hope had witnessed a series of sunrises and sunsets as he explored the city and experienced all its wonders. After wandering around with no certain destination, he finally decided that it is time to leave. He grabbed his keys, started his engine and stepped on the gas pedal. As he was driving a few meters out of the city boundary, he heard some faint engine sounds from behind. In a matter of seconds he found himself driving along with Amity.

As they drove forward to the limits of the never-ending road, they have experienced a lot of amazing things Hope never thought he would be able to do. They have shared with each other stories about their journeys and made new memories along the way. One fine day, while taking a break from their long drive, Amity told Hope some plans of going somewhere far away that the only way to get there is by travelling through the sky. Amity invited him to come if he wanted. Hope suddenly felt like his mind jumped off a cliff, free falling. The idea sounds exhilirating and fun, but something was holding him back. There was fear in his heart — the fear of stepping out of his comfort zone and going wherever the winds or waves may take him. After that crossroad incident he has become too afraid to trust once again. Hope is afraid of being left alone once more.

Hope’s worried expression slowly vanished as he saw the smiling face of Amity. It was as bright as the sun shining from the sky enveloping his heart in a warm embrace. His lips curved upward without him knowing. Suddenly it hit him, it is time to leave the past behind and start a new journey. The uncertainty of what’s beyond may be scary, but Hope has decided to go for a free fall so he can unfurl his wings and learn how to fly.

Sealed With A Kiss

Love, RosieLove, Rosie by Cecelia Ahern
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

For this book, I loved the way it was told through a collection of letters, email exchanges and chats. The characters felt real and their stories, relatable.

But then, I guess because it felt too real that it made me feel frustrated with Rosie and Alex’s love story. They couldn’t seem to just get there. It took them almost fifty years to finally find their way in each other’s arms. Yes, it was a happy ending, but I still didn’t feel that happy — I’m not sure why.

For the Epilogue, I was expecting Rosie to be grabbing a pen and paper after reading the last letter and then before she ends her reply Alex would knock on her door and instead of writing the words she wanted to say all this time, she would finally say it to him face to face. But that’s just something I imagined. The ending was still romantic.

After finishing the book, I still felt frustrated for all the missed opportunities which presented themselves to the main characters. I was wishing that somehow, they’d get together and finally face some dilemmas “together” instead of facing challenges keeping them apart. I guess that’s why there were some parts (particularly in Parts 4 & 5) that felt a bit dragging because it just presents same problems in different settings all over again. Probably that’s why I felt really frustrated for them.

Also, I can’t stop thinking that Katie and Toby’s love story was told as a wake-up call to the main protagonists. The Katie-Toby story was Rosie and Alex’s could’ve been if only they were brave enough to risk their strongly founded friendship and going beyond one step higher.

I guess, from what I gathered in their story, timing is such a fickle friend. You never really know when it’s going to help you or when it’s going to leave you in a battered state. Anyway, I hope I get to move on quickly from this frustration since Rosie and Alex finally found their happy ending. 😉

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http://www.reelmama.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/What-If-Movie-Poster.jpg

Awkward Beginnings, Happy Endings

A review of the movie, What If.

I have recently watched the movie, What If, starring Daniel Radcliffe and Zoe Kazan. Honestly, I found it quite hard to write about the film because I felt too much about it that I can’t think as objectively as I should. Therefore, I shall be sharing my comments about the story more than the technicals.

Within the first few minutes of the movie, I was already smiling to myself. Generally, the story was told quite fast. However, it was visualized in such a way that you get a deeper emotional understanding of how the main characters’ love story is progressing. Sure, the main plot and the ending was sort of expected but the tiny details that tie each major moment together were beautifully done which made watching the movie fun.

Besides the fact that the movie felt terribly relatable, I loved how it showed the harsh realities of making relationships work. It felt real and that was what made the story really engaging. How meeting someone in a very awkward situation and having awkward conversations can spark something special between two people is an interesting way of starting a love story. The way the characters moved, thought, conversed and breathed their stories to create the big picture was done fairly well.

The soundtrack for the film plus the animation were simply perfect in improving the storytelling. The main plot of the story was not really novel but the way it was told and laid out was done amazingly well. The music conveys the feeling of each moment clearly and the thoughts that the animation were expressing were also showed well. I also found their animated engagement story at the end credits really informative for those who would keep wondering how they ended up engaged after coming back to Toronto. It was not essential to the main story but it is a good add-on for certain audience — like me — who might start asking about that little gap before their happy ending.

Overall, I’m giving the story a 9/10 rating. It was amazingly done and it will surely make you feel something. The main story might seem to be considerably fair like all the other happy love stories, but the storytelling was wonderfully executed that you’ll end up smiling even after watching the movie.

Empty Spaces and Goodbye Notes

Today is my last day at work. Part of me wants to scream “Finally, freedom!” but another is saying “Is this really goodbye?”. I’ve been in this job for two-and-a-half years and it has been a blast working with the various people I’ve met here.

It suddenly dawned upon me that everything that comes with today — all things existential, figurative and literal — is not just happening inside my head. Reality bit me. It bit me really hard. Its ice-cold fangs punctured my heart and made my whole body shudder. This is it. I am leaving.

All the random events of today are still floating in my head, trying to push their way to the bottom of the pit. It’s just hard to let them sink in. Our office is left with nothing but me and some of the very silent and inanimate furniture. My officemates shared a good meal to send me and one of my friends off (two of us will be leaving the office). I have finally turned over all of my tasks and responsibilities to other officemates. There is nothing left for me to do but to walk out the door and close it shut behind me. Right now I feel like everything just seems so surreal.

Honestly, I don’t even know what else to say. I’m just full of different feelings right now like a blender turning tons of different fruits into smoothie. My mind is almost blank, my body is cold and my heart feels heavy. I couldn’t even manage a sigh of relief. Maybe it’s just the mocha icing.

Probably it’s time for me to stand up from this chair and start walking to the door and finally close this part of my life. This time, I shall run free to the world outside and open myself to this new journey I am about to begin. I say not “goodbye”, but “see you later” to my friends who have become part of me in my two-and-a-half-year journey that is about to end.

Flat Tire

Side by side on a wide almost empty highway, Hope and Bliss drove together once more. Their engines started awkwardly upon leaving the crossroad where they met, but now they drive slowly but more comfortably with each other.

Fate passed them by so fast causing turmoil on their joyride. Hope suddenly stopped bewildered as if he got into a crash. Bliss stopped and helped him get to the shoulder. They found out that Hope got a flat tire. It made Hope sad because he just recently used his spare tire. Now he cannot go on. Bliss started her engines and zoomed out of sight. Hope thought that maybe she has gone to look for help. He stayed there in the wide empty highway waiting for her to come back.

Minutes turned to hours and hours turned to days. He has been endlessly counting the stars at night and dreaming of rain during the day. One time he cried out her name but she never answered, not even a soul was in sight. A few more days passed, someone drove by and saw Hope listening to his stereo trying to look cool under the heat of the midday sun. Prudence stepped out of his car and asked if he was in any trouble. Hope responded that he was just waiting for someone to come back, he did not need any help. Prudence kept him company for a while and talked about their adventures from the past. But the time for him to leave had come, and so Hope was alone once more.

He has witnessed many sunsets and sunrises as he waited for Bliss’s return. Seldom, he sees cars passing him by, some stop to offer him help but he turns them down and they leave him be.

One night, as Hope was again counting the stars in an empty night sky, a familiar engine sound filled the emptiness of the highway. He looked around and saw a big car pulling up the shoulder near his car. Storge came down and, unlike everyone else who saw Hope, asked what he was doing and if she can join in. Hope told her he was trying to hunt for stars. Storge thought it would be fun to do something weird for a change — seeing that the night sky was empty as if the stars were intentionally hiding — and insisted she join in the fun. Hope thought it was okay and so they gazed upon the empty sky and tried their hardest to look for stars.

Storge started to tell Hope of stories about crossroads and other places she had been to. He thought she was retelling his own story because of the similarities they have. After Storge’s story, he told her about his. Silence has dawned upon them after Hope has said his piece. Storge stood up and went to her car. Hope asked where she was off to. All she said to him was that maybe their stories are similar, but there might also be a chance that their endings would be different. Hope looked at her as she smiled softly and then zoomed out of sight.

The sun is peeking through the horizon, it is about to wake. Hope stared balnkly at his flat tire as he tried to absorb the words Storge left. Slowly, he paced toward his car and touched the trunk cover. He took a deep breath then started pushing his car forward. He pushed harder and harder and a while later his car started moving forward.

No more time for counting stars in an empty night sky. No more voice to call out for Bliss to return. Hope was empty and lost, he was all dried up. As the last words of Storge sank deeper and deeper to his mind and slowly dripped to his heart, he began to feel numb. Now, all his mind could ever think of is to push the car forward to wherever he may find help all on his own.

Thoughts Of Her

This post is one of the challenges I made for myself this year. I want to inspire someone every day — if I can — by writing random thoughts about her. I will edit this post every time my mind comes up with some random musings about her. She knows very well that I am not so good when it comes to talking so I’ll make her feel inspired through a medium I can be good at, that is writing. This will be somewhat like a journal where I write my thoughts of her, taking note of the day it came up on my mind. I am hoping that she would read this post and check it as often as she can. My main goal is to make her smile even though I’m not always by her side. She may not know it but her smile is contagious, I just can’t help but smile when she does.

~ To you, stay happy. ~

March 18
After so long you finally responded to me again. I was worried you were having some problems, so I guess I’d have to say I’m sorry for flooding you with messages. At least now I know that you are alright.

February 20
It seems funny that sometimes I feel like we are driving down a one-way street because I can never seem to meet you. I wish the street we are on would have been two-way so at least, even though we drive on opposite directions, we still get the chance to see each other’s faces.

I truly am amazed that despite the perception of most people that I am standing on a pedestal and always ready to deliver my speech, I can never seem to step up in front of you and say my piece. Words fail me when I’m with you. However, your presence amid the silence is curiously comforting.

February 17
It has been so long — or it feels like it — since you last gave me a response. It was wonderful.

February 14
I wish that the flowers I sent you yesterday in remembrance of our first “date” exactly five years ago made you smile the way you made my heart smile when you thanked me.

February 11
For this day, I would like to quote a line from Birdy’s song called Wings. “In the moment we’re lost and found, I just wanna be by your side if these wings could fly.”

January 29
As I ate a bar of KitKat a thought came into mind: I wish I could give you all the KitKats in the world so you can have more breaks and I can see you more often.

January 25
I was hoping I could see you, but I guess the circumstances would not permit. If only I could give you all the break time in the world just so I could see you again, see you smile once again, I would feel so blissful.

January 24
I miss your messages. I miss your smile. I miss your presence. I miss you. My week has been tough but when I think of you things become lighter. I’m looking forward to seeing you again.

January 21
Every morning as I wake up, I think about how to make you happy for the rest of your day. I feel bad for coming up only with “good morning” messages because I’m too far away to tell it to you face to face.

January 20
I wish we could have seen each other. It’s been a week since we last saw each other but it feels longer. If only I can be near you most of my time.

January 17
I miss you. Hoping that we can see each other once more.

January 15
Today, I’m thankful and very truly happy because despite of your busy day, you took time to respond to my messages. You don’t know how much you made someone happy today. I hope I can make you happy for the rest of your day, too.

January 14
Earlier this morning I was thinking of our breakfast last Sunday. I just realized how much I like listening to you. Your mere presence makes me happy and your smile blows me away. Then a few seconds ago, I saw your smile on my news feed. I wish you know how much you make someone happy, and hopefully that idea makes you happy as well.

January 13
As I was walking along the streets of Manila, I can smell the scent of mangoes and thought of you because you smell just as sweet.