cut through

Cut Me Through

I hear you whisper
sweetly to my ear
So inviting, you draw me
close to you with no fear

My hands trace along
your curves and your lines
I yearn for your embrace
and you thirst for mine

Your cold touch sparks
a fire inside of me
Suddenly filled with warmth
I’m drawn even closer to thee

You kiss my brown skin
as my mind started to beg
Until my senses turn numb;
my head, my arm, my leg

Slowly you caress me
and chills run through my spine
You go deeper through
as if telling me, “you’re mine”

A sudden shock eventually
brought me back to reality
I find myself on the floor
soaked in a red shining brightly

The secret affair was done
so you drop on the floor
As I try to keep awake
reaching for the door

I hear you whisper
seducing me once again
I see you and I wonder
what my mind truly wanted then

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silence

Silence

When all that’s left is silence,
there is nothing you can do
but to endure the cacophony of voices in your head
at two in the morning
in the middle of that cold dark room.
One tiny voice tries to scream
to keep the sanity inside that head
but the million other voices
seem to think otherwise.

When all that’s left is silence,
your senses seem more alive.
You can feel the darkness creeping in to your soul
freezing everything inside of you
as its claws touch your heart.
And even though the heart pumps more blood
to keep you warm as a sign of protest,
the darkness wins and you fall in to the cold pit
especially made for you.

When all that’s left is silence,
you begin to lose sight of the light.
You become trapped in an abyss
where not a single sign of hope is visible.
And no matter how you cry,
how you howl or scream or shout,
nothing will answer you back from all your whining.
Nothing at all, even your echo will be afraid
to reverberate within the emptiness.

When all that’s left is silence,
the past slowly walks in and fills the emptiness
with all of those moments, those memories
that you have been trying to erase with utmost effort.
Yet here they are, endlessly haunting you
and trying to bring back the excruciating pain
from the wounds you thought already healed.
Tears roll down your cheeks quietly because you already know
that crying out loud makes no difference.

When all that’s left is silence,
you suddenly find yourself bare and unarmed
in a duel against the scariest of foes.
It is ‘You of the Now’ against ‘You of the Then’
fighting for the right to be the ‘You of Tomorrow’.
Opening old wounds, creating new ones,
not realizing that neither one comes out unscathed.
In the end, the ‘You of Tomorrow’ will similarly be
scarred and scared of living.

When all that’s left is silence,
there’s nothing left to hold on to
as if every one you love has left you behind
empty, frozen, and unimaginably broken.
You hear voices screaming your name along with words
that make you doubt yourself even more.
All you are left with is a small piece of self-worth
that you keep in your pocket to push you forward
yet swiftly vanishes on the palm of your hands.

When all that’s left is silence,
you’d feel numb and beat and sore
from fighting your inner demons within the edges of your mind
as they burn your soul until it leaves you behind.
As always you find yourself alone and cold,
up against the things that scare you the most.
You even wonder what keeps you fighting,
you question yourself how you win each match
and end up facing a new day to live.

When all that’s left is silence,
you try your hardest to calm yourself down
so that sleep can finally embrace you
and tuck you under your warm blanket.
Only to be interrupted a few deep breaths later
as the sunlight creeps through the window sill
shedding light once again to your once cold dark room.
You open your tired eyes and reach out for your mask
trying to hide yesternight’s battle scars.

When all that’s left is silence,
you ask yourself, ‘What else can I do?’,
thinking that there’s no purpose to be in this world.
At the end of each day you find yourself
in the same state, so detached from reality.
Routinely putting your mask on and off
and continually fighting your inner foes,
you ultimately conclude that maybe it’s time
to finally succumb to the quiet.

hide-and-seek

Hide And Seek

I looked for you on your bed
but on it you were not
Neither hidden under the blanket
nor hugging the pillow you like a lot

I searched for you outside
under the moon and the stars
Yet even though the sun has risen
all I found were passing cars

I tried to look for you one time
at your favorite coffee shop
It was busy as usual, but then
your familiar face I found not

I passed by that little park
where you and I used to meet
But only to find our favorite bench
lonely and bare like my feet

I sat on the bench, tired and flustered
and watched the setting of the sun
As I waited for you to pick me up
and to another place we will run

I saw the moon smiling brightly at me
and the stars, in the night sky, dancing
Eyes started flooding — a waterfall!
On my cheeks, tears were rolling

I looked for you on your bed
but on it you still were not
Outside the door you were standing
and said sorry for forgetting to knock

It is tiring to play this game
Seems like you are always hiding
But what is really amusing is that
for you, I end up always seeking

taking-flight

Taking Flight

In the middle of that seemingly endless road — his jeans tattered, shoes worn out and shirt drenched in sweat — Hope stopped and let out a heavy sigh. His knees have given up on him as they fell to the ground. All energy seemed to have left him as he let his back uncomfortably touch the ground. He raised his right hand to reach for the red sky as the sun started to set. He turned his head sideways and gazed at his flat tire, and then chuckled. Surprisingly, he found himself smiling despite the dawning of weariness and nightfall. Hope found it funny that he can manage a smile and a chuckle in the midst of this sticky situation. He simply didn’t care.

As the sky turned into a deep blue, Hope stood up and sat on the trunk of his car. He stared upon the vastness of the heavens, then a chuckle broke the silence of the night. Funny how the stars suddenly become abundant when he already stopped trying to hunt for them. Life really has a funny way of playing tricks on you. Minutes passed, and as if Life hasn’t played enough tricks on him, clouds hugged each other and cried over the wide empty highway where Hope sat still. As the drops of rain trickled down his face, he felt relieved that he need not hide his own tears which started welling up in his eyes. The rain, he thought, was a blessing in disguise.

By the sound of an approaching car, Hope opened his eyes and greeted the morning sun with a yawn. He woke up feeling new and fresh. It was unusual for this to happen. Maybe he needs to cry himself to sleep more often, he thought to himself jokingly. As Hope unmounted his car, he felt a little spark of excitement as the once empty highway was now bustling with cars. A few stopped to check on him and offer him help. This time, however, he did not refuse. Amity pulled Hope’s car along as they travelled to the next city so that he can have it fixed — while also trying to replenish all the energy he exhausted.

It was amazing, Hope thought, to have another person help him. During his ride with Amity he felt differently — something vastly distinct compared to what he felt during his joyride with Bliss — but a wonderful feeling nonetheless. While in the city, he began his plans for recovery starting from his body all drained of energy until his clothes all worn out and battered. After his moment of relaxation he found a place to get his car fixed. As he waited, he stayed a few more days to explore the city.

Hope had witnessed a series of sunrises and sunsets as he explored the city and experienced all its wonders. After wandering around with no certain destination, he finally decided that it is time to leave. He grabbed his keys, started his engine and stepped on the gas pedal. As he was driving a few meters out of the city boundary, he heard some faint engine sounds from behind. In a matter of seconds he found himself driving along with Amity.

As they drove forward to the limits of the never-ending road, they have experienced a lot of amazing things Hope never thought he would be able to do. They have shared with each other stories about their journeys and made new memories along the way. One fine day, while taking a break from their long drive, Amity told Hope some plans of going somewhere far away that the only way to get there is by travelling through the sky. Amity invited him to come if he wanted. Hope suddenly felt like his mind jumped off a cliff, free falling. The idea sounds exhilirating and fun, but something was holding him back. There was fear in his heart — the fear of stepping out of his comfort zone and going wherever the winds or waves may take him. After that crossroad incident he has become too afraid to trust once again. Hope is afraid of being left alone once more.

Hope’s worried expression slowly vanished as he saw the smiling face of Amity. It was as bright as the sun shining from the sky enveloping his heart in a warm embrace. His lips curved upward without him knowing. Suddenly it hit him, it is time to leave the past behind and start a new journey. The uncertainty of what’s beyond may be scary, but Hope has decided to go for a free fall so he can unfurl his wings and learn how to fly.

Sealed With A Kiss

Love, RosieLove, Rosie by Cecelia Ahern
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

For this book, I loved the way it was told through a collection of letters, email exchanges and chats. The characters felt real and their stories, relatable.

But then, I guess because it felt too real that it made me feel frustrated with Rosie and Alex’s love story. They couldn’t seem to just get there. It took them almost fifty years to finally find their way in each other’s arms. Yes, it was a happy ending, but I still didn’t feel that happy — I’m not sure why.

For the Epilogue, I was expecting Rosie to be grabbing a pen and paper after reading the last letter and then before she ends her reply Alex would knock on her door and instead of writing the words she wanted to say all this time, she would finally say it to him face to face. But that’s just something I imagined. The ending was still romantic.

After finishing the book, I still felt frustrated for all the missed opportunities which presented themselves to the main characters. I was wishing that somehow, they’d get together and finally face some dilemmas “together” instead of facing challenges keeping them apart. I guess that’s why there were some parts (particularly in Parts 4 & 5) that felt a bit dragging because it just presents same problems in different settings all over again. Probably that’s why I felt really frustrated for them.

Also, I can’t stop thinking that Katie and Toby’s love story was told as a wake-up call to the main protagonists. The Katie-Toby story was Rosie and Alex’s could’ve been if only they were brave enough to risk their strongly founded friendship and going beyond one step higher.

I guess, from what I gathered in their story, timing is such a fickle friend. You never really know when it’s going to help you or when it’s going to leave you in a battered state. Anyway, I hope I get to move on quickly from this frustration since Rosie and Alex finally found their happy ending. ūüėČ

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Unfurl Thy Wings

Angelology (Angelology, #1)Angelology by Danielle Trussoni

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Although it took me a long time to finally finish this book — due to always forgetting it at my parents’ house and starting to read other books — I still felt like I have just read it a few days ago.

The day I started reading it, it gave me a renewed interest in reading the Bible’s old testament. I suddenly felt the urge to look for clues regarding the Nephilim and Angelic beings. I was so hooked about Angels that, during my break times at work, I randomly searched for scientific articles and fictional stories about Angels and other celestial beings. Apparently I was deeply absorbed by the subject of the novel that I was inspired to write a story — which I planned to write as a novel but never actually finished — of my own.

Even though there were pretty long breaks between reading certain chapters, every time I open the book once again it felt as if I just stopped reading yesterday. I loved how real the existence of Nephilistic and Angelic beings felt when I read each chapter. As I progress through the story, it feels as if I was riding on a roller coaster — exhilarating, dangerous and magnetic. Even though there were certain revelations which I already assumed will happen, I still felt shocked on how engaging they were executed. Now that I finally finished reading it I suddenly feel the longing for the next book.

I’m giving this book a rating of 8/10 and I highly recommend it to readers who find interest in a science-and-faith sort of thriller books. But just a reminder, readers should be able to appreciate such literature with an open mind.

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Writer’s Block V – A Lack Of Creative Juice

Recently I’ve reverted to doodling or doing simple sketches. Now I feel like I badly need to produce tons of creative output because it has been so long since I last created an artistic work or a good literary piece. I even bought a pen tablet so that I can directly make my drawings digital. But whenever I start facing my computer and opening certain programs — whether Photoshop, FireAlpaca or even Notepad — my fingers suddenly get stuck on the mouse pad making circles with the cursor while my brain tries to conceptualize what I want to draw or write. For example, a few minutes before actually writing this post I have already written around 150 words about something else which I randomly deleted leaving me once again with an empty Notepad window. Therefore I decided to just write about how I could not find the motivation to write something that would be worth reading or draw something worth seeing and sharing.

Some people tell me to just put it out there and let my¬†creative juices flow whether or not it’s a great work just so I¬†have an output. The point is to not stop writing or drawing until I¬†finally get to the point when I am¬†actually producing something wonderful. I feel sparks whenever I think about this advice. But apparently, it’s not enough to keep me bursting with enthusiasm.

At times, when people ask me why not just write something, I just give them a nonchalant shrug and say that it’s too cold for my brain to work (sure, blame it on the weather). There might be a connection between shorter, colder days and my brain’s creative juice shortage but probably that’s not the main reason why I just can’t make any creative outputs lately.

However, I am truly hoping that practicing with my new pen tablet would jumpstart my gears and make my brain overflow with creative juice once more.

***

Me: Yey! A pen tablet. Now I can do a lot of digital sketches!
Brain: Hehe… Good luck with that.
Me: T^T

Flat Tire

Side by side on a wide almost empty highway, Hope and Bliss drove together once more. Their engines started awkwardly upon leaving the crossroad where they met, but now they drive slowly but more comfortably with each other.

Fate passed them by so fast causing turmoil on their joyride. Hope suddenly stopped bewildered as if he got into a crash. Bliss stopped and helped him get to the shoulder. They found out that Hope got a flat tire. It made Hope sad because he just recently used his spare tire. Now he cannot go on. Bliss started her engines and zoomed out of sight. Hope thought that maybe she has gone to look for help. He stayed there in the wide empty highway waiting for her to come back.

Minutes turned to hours and hours turned to days. He has been endlessly counting the stars at night and dreaming of rain during the day. One time he cried out her name but she never answered, not even a soul was in sight. A few more days passed, someone drove by and saw Hope listening to his stereo trying to look cool under the heat of the midday sun. Prudence stepped out of his car and asked if he was in any trouble. Hope responded that he was just waiting for someone to come back, he did not need any help. Prudence kept him company for a while and talked about their adventures from the past. But the time for him to leave had come, and so Hope was alone once more.

He has witnessed many sunsets and sunrises as he waited for Bliss’s return. Seldom, he sees cars passing him by, some stop to offer him help but he turns them down and they leave him be.

One night, as Hope was again counting the stars in an empty night sky, a familiar engine sound filled the emptiness of the highway. He looked around and saw a big car pulling up the shoulder near his car. Storge came down and, unlike everyone else who saw Hope, asked what he was doing and if she can join in. Hope told her he was trying to hunt for stars. Storge thought it would be fun to do something weird for a change — seeing that the night sky was empty as if the stars were intentionally hiding — and insisted she join in the fun. Hope thought it was okay and so they gazed upon the empty sky and tried their hardest to look for stars.

Storge started to tell Hope of stories about crossroads and other places she had been to. He thought she was retelling his own story because of the similarities they have. After Storge’s story, he told her about his. Silence has dawned upon them after Hope has said his piece. Storge stood up and went to her car. Hope asked where she was off to. All she said to him was that maybe their stories are similar, but there might also be a chance that their endings would be¬†different. Hope looked at her as she smiled softly and then zoomed out of sight.

The sun is peeking through the horizon, it is about to wake. Hope stared balnkly at his flat tire as he tried to absorb the words Storge left. Slowly, he paced toward his car and touched the trunk cover. He took a deep breath then started pushing his car forward. He pushed harder and harder and a while later his car started moving forward.

No more time for counting stars in an empty night sky. No more voice to call out for Bliss to return. Hope was empty and lost, he was all dried up. As the last words of Storge sank deeper and deeper to his mind and slowly dripped to his heart, he began to feel numb. Now, all his mind could ever think of is to push the car forward to wherever he may find help all on his own.